Did you know that 93 percent of people have sex before marriage in the United States? That’s a lot, like, that’s almost everybody. I’m willing to bet you’re in that number? Am I right? Please, don’t be ashamed. I bet you, like me had little regard for how powerful ‘sex’ really was and what it was meant for (besides procreation). Sure, we heard about it growing up—“don’t be bringing home no babies” or “sex is bad, just don’t do it” or “you better be using protection”. But, none of those answers are answers—they’re just fuel to any young person to try it out. I’m going to share some real life advice and spiritual truth with you that has helped me remain faithful to my personal commitment for going on three years (trying to live a sanctified lifestyle—which is NOT easy).
First, let me tell you my brief story of how it happened. My ex boyfriend and I were on rocky roads in 2012 and nothing was happening. In 2013, I took a job from hell (read here) and moved to Atlanta; I was single and not dating. You can read my last blog post about my past relationship, but that’s it. I was out of a committed relationship, I was not casually having sex, and that’s literally how I started. To be frank, it was a struggle at first, but what kept me in check was knowing that I did not casually date nor was I casually having a rump with someone because I just had to get it in. It’s easy to have sex; the test is not having sex (and the bonus points are dealing with lust). After some time went by, I came up with two conclusions—1. Nobody wanted to have sex with me (because I was not being approached for anything, not even a date—maybe it’s my RBF) or 2. God was truly protecting me and helping me cope with such strong (soul) tie. Needless to say, I’ve concluded it was 2 happening through 1 (hehe).
- Be Intentional. Celibacy is a choice; it is also a lifestyle. One practices a lifestyle. Frankly, I’m a woman of integrity and if I say I’m going to do something, that’s what I’m going to do. If I feel some slippage arising, I always think that God didn’t break a promise to me, why would I to Him? I have to hold myself accountable to what I said I was going to do…and how I was going to live.
James 1:12 “Happy are those who remain faithful under trials, because when they succeed in passing such a test, they will receive as their reward the life which God has promised to those who love him.”
2. Have Accountability Partners—If everybody in your squad is getting jiggy with, you need to find a few new squad members that’s going to pick up your C chip and say “you left this”! It’s not always easy holding yourself accountable—that’s why we have friends, and hopefully close friends whose beliefs (are similar) can help keep you in check. You MUST be around like minded individuals—this is crucial. * Don’t let your relationship come to a place where sex is glue, put it on the table that it’s not going to happen. I’m just going to sit this here—if your boyfriend can’t respect your decision, he doesn’t respect your salvation and is using sex to sustain your relationship. (Don’t believe, clank clank for 60 days and see what happens.)
There are quite a few reasons why I still choose to remain celibate, outside the main reason that I find honor with God in doing so. They’re spiritual and natural reasons and both have to do with protecting myself. I don’t know if you’re spiritual or religious or in between reading this, but spirits transfer as easily as body fluids. Sex creates a bondage—that’s why outside of the covenant of marriage, it is hard break that bond. You’ve expose a sacred act to natural, fleshly desire and it is now so easy to tempt you with it. The book of Genesis (2:24) describes the union of “echad, Hebrew for one”—two becoming one in the context it was used. When you consistently are creating that ‘bond’ with someone, you’re sharing yourself on a deeper, spiritual level. The bondage creates the need to be fulfilled often or sporadically, until you can’t control it. Humans were meant to enjoy sex (that’s why we do); it was a gift, but under a covenant, not to satisfy your flesh.
3. Stray away from temptation— This can range from television to music to conversation. I remember when Zane’s “Addicted” hit the theaters. I really wanted to see it (because I read all her books in high school. Shame before the Lord. LOL), BUT BUT BUT, I knew I had read the books and I knew nothing good from the movie would help my ‘thought life’. So, I did not go see it! You have to make the choice to protect your mind and thought. Thoughts become actions if you meditate on them long enough. If you aren’t focused, YOU’RE DISTRACTED. (Hey, if unfollowing donny_savage22 on IG will curb those thoughts, DO IT)
Proverbs 4:23 CEV “Carefully guard your thoughts because they are the source of true life.”
4. Meditate—Meditation, praying, praising, or worshiping will clear your mind. Like anything else, you must be intentional on forming habits. Quiet spaces help. I love to listen to soft music or even some worship music. If I wasn’t so physically lazy, I’d try yoga or hit the gym. Or, you can just good ‘ol fashion READ!
Society teaches us and exploits that sex is simply recreational and for pleasure; it’s only physical, fun, and ‘supposed’ to be harmless (with consenting + healthy adults). Plus, we have “the church” aligning their Sunday words to the practicing of societal norms. We have media, music, magazines, and a lot of free thinking people to thank for the exploitation of sex. Now, I’m not downing or judging you free thinker’s, “I” just hold myself accountable to a higher power as my relationship with Creator has deepened. What I’ve come to question, why would such an intimate act just be ‘for fun’? I came to respect sex for the gift that it is. To be quite honest, (and please don’t confuse this with spiritual pride) I wear my C on my keychain not because of my name, but as a recovering alcoholic carries their AA chip—it’s a physical reminder, “Hey, you’ve gone another day! Good job!” And that’s what this walk is—a day by day, sometimes moment by moment (if somebody fine walks by, but you’ve got to make the choice to capture that lust).
5. Occupy Your Time—Have fun! Do something different. I have found out that I am a thrill seeker. If I can’t find anything risky (but not life threatening) to do, I’ll take myself out on a date. I love movies, thrifting, practicing makeup techniques, but I most often end up listening to a good message on YouTube! Go to the gym, museum, park, fly a kite, volunteer, pamper yourself—do something to guard your gates!
6. Pray—I covered this briefly in meditation, but prayer helps! You can ask God to take away things that you are struggling with mentally. Prayer is the forgotten advantage; people have forgotten how powerful it is. Prayer should be purposeful until you see what you’ve asked for! Ask Him to take away your urges; He will honor your request.
7. Safety—Society has made sex recreational and people have personally become it’s slave; so much so they just forget they’re carrying a disease, or two! I really care about my body and my health. If there is a chance by my choosing not to partake in your sexual advances can protect my health, that’s what I’m doing. Casual hook up? Sir, can I see your latest results from your blood test? Don’t try it.
Once you’ve opened that door and taken the step in, it’s easy to get lost in a dark, empty house. This journey is not easy. People will think your weird, crazy, or some Christian extremist, just because you’re not having sex—and none of that is true. You’ve just made the decision that protecting the best gift you have is worth protecting. The best part—it’s never too late. Even better, you’re obviously not alone! Just to prove it to you, if you ever need an accountability check, email ME, and I GOT YOU!
I truly, truly hope this has helped sis (or bro, because I’ve got some male friends on this walk too)! Be patient with the process; you will find greatness and rewards for your sacrifice! Please leave a comment, anonymous if you’d like, and let’s get the conversation started.